Just came in ...

[Real Madrid]

Hello! Is this Gordon's Pizza?

No sir, it's Google's Pizza.

Did I dial the wrong number?

No sir, Google bought this pizza store.

Oh, alright - then I’d like to place an order please.

Okay sir, do you want the usual?

The usual? You know what my usual is?

According to the caller ID, the last 15 times you’ve ordered a 12-slice with double-cheese, sausage, and thick crust.

Okay - that’s what I want this time too.

May I suggest that this time you order an 8-slice with ricotta, arugula, and tomato instead?

No, I hate vegetables.

But your cholesterol is not good.

How do you know?

Through the subscribers guide. We have the results of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

Maybe so, but I don’t want the pizza you suggest – I already take medicine for high cholesterol.

But you haven’t taken the medicine regularly. 4 months ago you purchased from Drugsale Network a box of only 30 tablets.

I bought more from another drugstore.

It's not showing on your credit card sir.

I paid in cash.

But according to your bank statement you did not withdraw that much cash.

I have another source of cash.

This is not showing on your last tax form, unless you got it from an undeclared income source.

To HELL With Ur Pizza..!!
ENOUGH!!
I'm sick of Google, Facebook, Twitter, and WhatsApp. I'm going to an island without internet, where there’s no cellphone line, and no one to spy on me ...

I understand sir, but you’ll need to renew your PASSPORT ... it expired 5 weeks ago.

 

[siavash_8]

طرف ﺑﺎ ﻫﺸﺖ ﺗﺎ بچه اش ﻣﯿﺮﻩ ﭘﯿﺶ ﺩﮐﺘﺮ
ﻣﯿﮕﻪ : ﻣﻦ ﻧﻤﯿﺨﻮﺍﻡ ﺑﭽﻪ ﺩﺍﺭ ﺑﺸﻢ...

ﺩﮐﺘﺮﻩ ﻣﯿﮕﻪ : ﺧﻮﺏ ﮐ.ﺎﻧﺪﻭﻡ ﺑﺬﺍﺭ!
یارو ﻣﯿﮕﻪ : ﺍﻭﻥ ﺩﻭ ﺗﺎ ﺑﺰﺭﮔﺘﺮﺍ ﺭﻭ ﻣﯿﺒﯿﻨﯽ؟ ﮐ.ﺎﻧﺪﻭﻡ ﮔﺬﺍﺷﺘﻢ

ﺩﮐﺘﺮﻩ ﻣﯿﮕﻪ : ﺧﻮﺏ خانمت ﻗﺮﺹ ﺑﺨﻮﺭه !
ﻣﯿﮕﻪ : ﺍﻭﻥ ﺩﻭ ﺗﺎ ﺭﻭ ﻣﯿﺒﯿﻨﯽ؟ زنم گفت ﻗﺮﺹ میخوردم
ﺩﮐﺘﺮﻩ ﻣﯿﮕﻪ : خُب، ﻫﻢ اون ﻗﺮﺹ ﺑﺨﻮﺭه، ﻫﻢ تو ﮐﺎﻧﺪﻭﻡ ﺑﺬﺍﺭ!
ﻣﯿﮕﻪ : ﺍﻭﻥ ﺩﻭ ﺗﺎ ﺭﻭ ﻣﯿﺒﯿﻨﯽ؟! هم اون ﻗﺮﺹ ﺧﻮﺭﺩه ﻫﻢ منﮐ.ﺎﻧﺪﻭﻡ ﮔﺬﺍﺷﺘﻢ!
ﺩﮐﺘﺮﻩ ﻣﯿﮕﻪ :گاییدی مارو جاکش اصلا نکن

ﻣﯿﮕﻪ : ﺍﻭﻥ ﺩﻭ ﺗﺎ ﺁﺧﺮﯾــــﺎ ﺭﻭ ﻣﯿﺒﯿﻨﯽ؟! ﺍﺻﻦ ﻧﮑﺮﺩم

 

[siavash_8]

ازدواج کردن مثل یه بشکه گوهه که سرش یه خورده عسل ریختن





تو دوران نامزدی داری از عسله میخوری
ولی وقتی عروسی کردی،گوه خوری شروع میشه

 

[siavash_8]

‏چسناله وﺍقعی رﻭ خیاﻡ میکرﺩه طرﻑ منجم بودﻩ ریاضیداﻥ بودﻩ شاعر بودﻩ فیلسوﻑ بودﻩ دهن مهن ﻭاسه علم نذﺍشته تازﻩ شکایت هم دﺍشته که
آمدنم بهر چه بوﺩ

 

[siavash_8]

آخونده میگفت آمریکا از پیشرفت علمی ما میترسه.
کشوری که 50 سال پیش آدم فرستاده فضا،
مثلا از تکنولوژیِ وانت کردنِ پراید میترسه؟
من که نفهمیدم چی میگفت

 

[siavash_8]

ﺷﯿﺨﯽ ﺭﺍ ﭘﺮﺳﯿﺪﻧﺪ ﺗِﺮِﺩﻣﯿــﻞ ﭼﯿﺴﺖ؟
ﭘﺎﺳﺦ ﺩﺍﺩ : ﻧﻤﻮﻧﻪ ﯼ ﮐﻮﭼﮏ ﺷﺪﻩ ﯼ ﺍﯾﺮﺍﻥ ﺍﺳﺖ ﮐﻪ ﻫﺮ ﭼﻪ ﺩﺭ ﺁﻥ ﺳـَـﮓ ﺩﻭ
ﺑﺰﻧﯽ ﺑﻪ ﺟﺎﯾﯽ ﻧﻤﯽ ﺭﺳﯽ

 

[siavash_8]

‏با یه شیرازی دعوای مجازیم شد گفت اگر خایه داری آدرس بده بیام گفتم پاشو بیا کرج,




گفت عامو اونجا خیلی دوره بهتره آشتی کنیم

 

[siavash_8]

صبح پا شدم دیدم یه ۱۰ هزاری زیر بالشمه,هر چی فک کردم این از کجا اومده یادم نیومد تا اینکه یه پشه اومد جلوم گفت من گذاشتم ،گفتم چرا؟
گفت من از اون اخلاقا ندارم تا صبح یکی رو بگـام پولشو ندم

 

[siavash_8]

داييم مخابرات كار ميكرد، يك بار بابابزرگم زنگ زد ١١٨ گفت مرتضي اونجاست؟ گوشيو بده بهش. اونام قطع كردن بعد گفت اين دروغ ميگه ميرم سر كار )

 

[siavash_8]

من نمیفهمم بعضی از این خانواده ها
یه جور تاکید دارن دخترشون تا قبل از تاریکی هوا برگرده خونه...





انگار پسرا روزا ناتوانی جنسی دارن!!
والا!!

 

[Zob Ahan]

ژاپنیه میره قزوین و بعد بر میگرده کشورش
ازش میپرسن قزوین چطور بود؟
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
میگه : ناشی باشی تا تاشی توشه

 

[Payandeh Iran]

Not jokes but brilliant

The Quotes of Steven Wright:
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

 

[Playboy]

airlines need a new warning: mr. gooz on board.

A pilot made an emergency landing after a fight broke out over a passenger who allegedly refused to stop passing gas. Two Dutchmen sitting next to the flatulent passenger reportedly asked the man to stop, but he refused and continued to break wind aboard the Transavia Airlines flight from Dubai to Amsterdam Schiphol. The budget airline crew allegedly did not help the passengers after their complaints, Metro reports, leading to a fight between the men. Despite a warning from the pilot, the altercation continued and forced the airplane to be diverted to Vienna Airport, where it made an emergency landing. Police boarded the plane once it landed and removed two women and two men that the pilot reported .

http://www.foxnews.com/travel/2018/...-forces-flight-to-make-emergency-landing.html

no relations to this guy.

 

[oghabealborz]

Not jokes but brilliant

The Quotes of Steven Wright:
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

As you said not jokes ,but they do bring a smile to the face.

 

[siavash_8]

من هر بار که این جمله ی خدا همه چیزو یه جا به آدم نمیده رو میشنوم ناگهان دیوید بکهام میاد جلوی چشمم که در اورده داره میشاشه رو سر گوینده ی این جمله

 

[siavash_8]

یارو پسرشو می بره آزمایش کنه

تا معلوم بشه دیوونه هست یا نه




دکتر به پسره میگه :

برو با این آبکش آب بیار

یارو می گه:

پسرم خسته ست بذار خودم بیارم !!

‌‌‌‌‌‌‌‌‌‌‌

 

[siavash_8]

حکایت

روزی جمعی از مریدان به نزد شیخ بیل گیتس در دره سیلیکون ولی وارد گشتند و به جهت شفاف سازی سوالی مطرح کردند:
یا شیخ آیا درست است که اگر در هنگام راه رفتن یک اسکناس صد دلاری از جیبتان بیوفتد، از فرط مایه داری سوراخ خود را گشاد کرده و برای برداشتن آن خم نمی‌شوید؟
شیخ که در حال دیدن فیلم پورن بود، نعوظ خود را فرو خورد و گفت: ای کساخیل (جمع مکثر کسخل) این حکایت مربوط به زمانی بود که دلار هزار تومان بود،
الان که دلار ۵۰۰۰ تومان شده برای آن کون هم می‌دهم

مریدان اندکی در گوش همدیگر پچ پچ کردند سپس پول روی هم گذاشتند و به بیل گیتس دادند و تا پاسی از شب صدای لوات حسنه از در دیوار منزل بلند بود

 

[siavash_8]

یه روز خانومی داشت اتاق خواب شون رو تمیز میکرد که زیر تخت یه جعبه میبینه. درشو باز میکنه 3 تا تخم مرغ و 10 میلیون پول پیدا میکنه

مات ومبهوت وایستاده بود که یهو شوهرش وارد میشه و وقتی زنشو میبینه دستوپاشو گم میکنه. زنش میگه چرا انقد مشکوک میزنی؟ اینا چین؟ فقط راستشو بگو

شوهره میگه من هربار که بهت خیانت میکردم یه تخم مرغ میذاشتم تو اون جعبه زنه باخودش فک میکنه تو دوازده سال زندگی مشترک سه تا تخم مرغ مسله زیاد مهمی نیست و میگه پس این 10 میلیون چیه؟ میگه وقتی تخم مرغا یه شونه میشد میفروختمشون و پولشونو میذاشتم تو این جعبه

 

[siavash_8]

حیف نون نوار خالی گوش میکرد و گریه میکرد، بهش میگن : حالا چرا گریه میکنی؟




میگه حیف نیست خواننده به این خوبی لال باشه !؟

 

[siavash_8]

‏یه بچه تو سینما پشت سرم نشسته بود مو به مو داشت فیلمو برای کناریش تعریف میکرد
هی میگفت اینجاش فلان میشه اونجاش بهمان میشه
یه دونه با پشت دست زدم تو دهنش گفتم اینجاشو دیگه نمیدونستی چی میشه پدرسگ