LOOOOOOOOOL! I don't know if these are old but I got them in an email now:
LITTLE TONY ON MATH
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and
you shoot one of them, how many will be left ?" She calls on little
TONY.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU."
"There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is
delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The
second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is
biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married ?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's
gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the
wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."
LITTLE TONY ON MATH
Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father ?
"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3,' " I said "6", replies TONY.
"But that's right !" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2 ?"
"What's the fucking difference ?" asks the father.
"That's what I said !"
LITTLE TONY ON ENGLISH
Little TONY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going
to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of
a multi-syllable word ?"
TONY says, "Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little TONY, that's a mouthful."
Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a
show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the
same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father
bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."
She said, "Excellent, Michael !" Then the teacher reluctantly called
on little TONY.
"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was
pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, just fucking beautiful !'"
LITTLE TONY ON GETTING OLDER
Little TONY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar
after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you
know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne,
rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little TONY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time ?"
Little TONY answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business."'