LOOOL@All the above jokes!!!!!!!
A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her
husband came home unexpectedly, so she hide her lover in the closet.
The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's
lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's
go outside and toss the baseball."
The boy says, "I can't ! I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says,"$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take
you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."
A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her
husband came home unexpectedly, so she hide her lover in the closet.
The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's
lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's
go outside and toss the baseball."
The boy says, "I can't ! I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says,"$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take
you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."
LOOOL@All the above jokes!!!!!!!
A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her
husband came home unexpectedly, so she hide her lover in the closet.
The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's
lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's
go outside and toss the baseball."
The boy says, "I can't ! I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says,"$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take
you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."
A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her
husband came home unexpectedly, so she hide her lover in the closet.
The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's
lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's
go outside and toss the baseball."
The boy says, "I can't ! I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says,"$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take
you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."
LOL
A guy had hemeroids so he goes to a doctor in Tehran. The doc says you need a surgery & it will cost 2 mil tomans. The guy was kinda broke so he goes to another doc & they quote him the same price. His friends tell him to go to shahrestan to get it done cheaper so he goes to Ghazvin & visits a doctor. The doctor says your hemeroids are pretty bad & you need a surgery & it will cost 5 mil toman. WHAT? the guy yells how come its more expensive than Tehran? The doc says its considered cosmetic surgery here.
A guy had hemeroids so he goes to a doctor in Tehran. The doc says you need a surgery & it will cost 2 mil tomans. The guy was kinda broke so he goes to another doc & they quote him the same price. His friends tell him to go to shahrestan to get it done cheaper so he goes to Ghazvin & visits a doctor. The doctor says your hemeroids are pretty bad & you need a surgery & it will cost 5 mil toman. WHAT? the guy yells how come its more expensive than Tehran? The doc says its considered cosmetic surgery here.
LOOOOOOOOOL! I don't know if these are old but I got them in an email now:
LITTLE TONY ON MATH
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and
you shoot one of them, how many will be left ?" She calls on little
TONY.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU."
"There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is
delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The
second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is
biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married ?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's
gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the
wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."
LITTLE TONY ON MATH
Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father ?
"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3,' " I said "6", replies TONY.
"But that's right !" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2 ?"
"What's the fucking difference ?" asks the father.
"That's what I said !"
LITTLE TONY ON ENGLISH
Little TONY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going
to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of
a multi-syllable word ?"
TONY says, "Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little TONY, that's a mouthful."
Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a
show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the
same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father
bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."
She said, "Excellent, Michael !" Then the teacher reluctantly called
on little TONY.
"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was
pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, just fucking beautiful !'"
LITTLE TONY ON GETTING OLDER
Little TONY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar
after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you
know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne,
rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little TONY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time ?"
Little TONY answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business."'
LITTLE TONY ON MATH
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and
you shoot one of them, how many will be left ?" She calls on little
TONY.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU."
"There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is
delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The
second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is
biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married ?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's
gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the
wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."
LITTLE TONY ON MATH
Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father ?
"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3,' " I said "6", replies TONY.
"But that's right !" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2 ?"
"What's the fucking difference ?" asks the father.
"That's what I said !"
LITTLE TONY ON ENGLISH
Little TONY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going
to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of
a multi-syllable word ?"
TONY says, "Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little TONY, that's a mouthful."
Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a
show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the
same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father
bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."
She said, "Excellent, Michael !" Then the teacher reluctantly called
on little TONY.
"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was
pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, just fucking beautiful !'"
LITTLE TONY ON GETTING OLDER
Little TONY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar
after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you
know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne,
rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little TONY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time ?"
Little TONY answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business."'
From jokestoon.blogspot.com
يه روز يه خانمي به معشوقش ميگه که شب که شد من در رو نيمه باز ميگذارم و يه ريسمون تو حياط ميگذارم که سر ديگرش به پاي من بسته است، ريسمونو بگير تا به من برسي.
از قضا اون شب شوهره به سفري که بايد ميرفته نميره و به خونه برميگرده. ميگه خانوم اين ريسمون چيه ميگه براي حضرت خضره مراد ميده.
شب موقع خواب شوهره ريسمونو از پاي خانم باز ميکنه و به پاي خودش ميبنده و پيش خودش ميگه بزا ببينيم اگه خضر مراد ميده چرا مراد منو نده.
نصفه شب که آقاي معشوق مياد سراغ مرد نگون بخت که ...
مرد نگون بخت داد ميزنه يا حضرت عباس به دادم برس که خضر داره... منووووووو ...
يه روز يه خانمي به معشوقش ميگه که شب که شد من در رو نيمه باز ميگذارم و يه ريسمون تو حياط ميگذارم که سر ديگرش به پاي من بسته است، ريسمونو بگير تا به من برسي.
از قضا اون شب شوهره به سفري که بايد ميرفته نميره و به خونه برميگرده. ميگه خانوم اين ريسمون چيه ميگه براي حضرت خضره مراد ميده.
شب موقع خواب شوهره ريسمونو از پاي خانم باز ميکنه و به پاي خودش ميبنده و پيش خودش ميگه بزا ببينيم اگه خضر مراد ميده چرا مراد منو نده.
نصفه شب که آقاي معشوق مياد سراغ مرد نگون بخت که ...
مرد نگون بخت داد ميزنه يا حضرت عباس به دادم برس که خضر داره... منووووووو ...
There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric
Association about women and how they feel about their asses. The
results are pretty shocking:
1. Only 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big.
2. 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small.
3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him;he's a
good man and they would have married him anyway.
Association about women and how they feel about their asses. The
results are pretty shocking:
1. Only 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big.
2. 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small.
3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him;he's a
good man and they would have married him anyway.
Cathy was driving down the street in a sweat because
she had an important meeting and couldn't find a
parking place. Looking up to heaven she said, "Lord
take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I
will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life
and give up me Irish Whiskey!"
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Cathy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
she had an important meeting and couldn't find a
parking place. Looking up to heaven she said, "Lord
take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I
will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life
and give up me Irish Whiskey!"
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Cathy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when
the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that
flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow
passenger."
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and
said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know", said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK". She said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the
same stuff.
Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat
patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose
that is?"
The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." to
which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to
discuss nuclear power when you don't k! now shit...
the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that
flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow
passenger."
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and
said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know", said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK". She said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the
same stuff.
Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat
patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose
that is?"
The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." to
which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to
discuss nuclear power when you don't k! now shit...
A young man graduated from University of Tasmania with a degree in journalism. His first assignment for the newspaper who hired him was to write a human interest story. Being from Tassie, he went back to the bush to do his research.
He went to an old farmer's house way back in the hills, introduced himself to the farmer, and proceeded to explain to him why he was there. The young man asked, "Has anything ever happened around here that made you happy?"
The farmer thought for a minute and said, "Yep! One time one of my neighbour's sheep got lost. We formed a search party and found it. We all rooted it and took it back home." "I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can you think of anything else that happened that made you or a lot of other people happy?"
After another moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time my neighbour's daughter, a good looking girl, got lost. We formed a big search party that time and found her. After we all rooted her, we took her back home too."
Again, the young man said "I can't print that either. Has anything ever happened around here that made you sad?" The old farmer dropped his head, looked up timidly at the young man and said, "I got lost once."
He went to an old farmer's house way back in the hills, introduced himself to the farmer, and proceeded to explain to him why he was there. The young man asked, "Has anything ever happened around here that made you happy?"
The farmer thought for a minute and said, "Yep! One time one of my neighbour's sheep got lost. We formed a search party and found it. We all rooted it and took it back home." "I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can you think of anything else that happened that made you or a lot of other people happy?"
After another moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time my neighbour's daughter, a good looking girl, got lost. We formed a big search party that time and found her. After we all rooted her, we took her back home too."
Again, the young man said "I can't print that either. Has anything ever happened around here that made you sad?" The old farmer dropped his head, looked up timidly at the young man and said, "I got lost once."
Lawyers should never ask grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly grandmother to the stand. He approached her and asked; "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs.. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet voice said:
"If either of you f#ckers asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."
In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly grandmother to the stand. He approached her and asked; "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs.. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet voice said:
"If either of you f#ckers asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."
Ye Lore baraye avvalin bar sa'at kharid. dasht ba doostesh jayee miraft tooye rah doostesh porsid sa'at chande? 5 dagige dig dobare porsid sa'at chandeh...5 dagige dige dobare porsid, hala sa'at chandeh? kholase har 5-10 dagige yek bar hamin soal ro mikard.
belakhare Lore asabani shod dad zad sare doostesh: "hala ingadr bapors ta barini toosh".
belakhare Lore asabani shod dad zad sare doostesh: "hala ingadr bapors ta barini toosh".
Medicare in a Nutshell
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."
"Mrs. Ward, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory.
When
your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a
biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now
uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are
either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the
otherone tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which are your husbands."
"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward.
"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive
tests one time. The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your
husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way
home, don't sleep with him."
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."
"Mrs. Ward, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory.
When
your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a
biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now
uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are
either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the
otherone tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which are your husbands."
"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward.
"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive
tests one time. The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your
husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way
home, don't sleep with him."
